Trolls' Guild Application for Apprenticeship
General Info
Name: David Lockhart
Guild Supersecret Codename: The Hammer
Height: 5' 9"
Weight: 130
Age: 22
Education
Credits: 167 hours, 1 unit
Degrees: None
Estimated date of getting out of school and getting a job: Fall 2003
GPA: 3.7 (on a 5 point)
I realize this is borderline for application consideration, but I would remind the committee that it is largely the result of a recent, and undoubtedly temporary, fluke in my grades. Bear in mind that I was nearly expelled from high school on 4 separate occasions. I have 3 Fs and 3 Ds still on my college transcript, none of which I have a good excuse for. Also I would point out that my IQ has been plummeting since about age 12.
Professional Experience
CERL and UCI have paid my ass to game for nearly 3 years now.
Credit History
Are you in debt?
No . . . I owe some people
Have you ever had a credit card canceled from under you?
No, but I have had my limit lowered because I wasn't making payments I could have
easily afforded to make.
Essay Questions
If you could ask Bill Clinton one question, what would it be?
Where should we eat, man?
If you were to encounter a member of an alien humanoid race, how would you attempt
to interact?
Is she cute?
Why should the guild accept you as opposed to one of the many other qualified
applicants?
Is this enough?
Explain the importance of the Fermi-Dirac equations in quantum theory.
Statement. 15-Love.
Define extortion.
The pinnacle of entrepreneurism
Statement of Purpose
Sounds like one for the philosophers to me. Speaking of philosophers, gimme another
fork and let me at that spaghetti.
Other Qualifications
- Proficient with a yo
- Higher ledges, better acceleration, more available babes
- Nearly always willing to go eat
- Can translate between chicken taxonomy and standard zoology
- Only being in the universe who can do a thrash version of the
guild dance
- Booga
- Unable to resist making painfully bad jokes, especially puns
and double entendres
- Gone toe to toe with more than one peony and still alive to tell
the tale
- Easily establishes rapport with Monsters
- Feels that people who use phrases like "establish rapport" should be
tied down and beaten
- Feels he should be tied down and beaten, preferably by Monsters or
the brunette in the pink bikini from last Minicon
- The chair is against the wall
- Will claim to make Daffy Duck sounds during orgasm if I think it'll
get me laid
- Near endless repository of utterly useless info
- Excellent Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail Man disguise
- The phrase "Why do you think they call me the Hammer?" should come
from the mouth of a Guild member
- Suzy is a headbanger
- Immune to normal weapons
- Cheats like a son of a bitch
- *8 operator skill, baby
- The African Swallow is not migratory
- Routinely violates all known rules of discourse
- Has own ledge on the cliff of financial ruin
- Can drive Spike through a board with my penis -- provided she will
loan me the keys to the truck
Admission Prerequisites
(Any items unchecked require a special dispensation form be filled out)
_____ Big
__x__ Regenerates
__x__ Funny Looking
__x__ Debt
__x__ Owns a Yo
_____ Large
__x__ Growing
__x__ Makes you appreciate normal people
__x__ Ability to self-escalate to higher levels of Armageddon
__x__ Can spell Armageddon (unlike Brad) or start it
__x__ Immobile
The guild is especially interested in seeing a young, perky T.I.T.
Would you fit such a description?
Somewhat young compared to the current guild membership, not even slightly
perky, but I'd probably be the first good, firm T.I.T. the guild has gotten
hold of in ages and I know that the guild would never pass up an opportunity
to get its hands on a decent T.I.T.
If you are accepted into the program, do you have a preference who should
serve as your advisor?
If I want anyone's advice, I'll beat it out of them. Failing that, the
knight defender will beat it out of them. Which should make for an amusing
time when I want some advice from the knight defender.
Special Dispensation Form -- Size
Give ten reasons why the guild should admit your tiny ass to its esteemed
ranks.
- What I lack in physical inertia, I make up for in behavioral inertia
- I'm just the weight that Troll lost, trying to return to the guild
- Remember to add the weight of the ego
- If I'm admitted the average guild member loses about 31 pounds.
- 90% of matter is empty space anyway
- I could weigh several tons without even leaving the solar system.
- Covert operative -- The Troll Mole
- Since when does a troll interpret a rule in so straightforward a
fashion?
- 60% of American women say that size doesn't matter; can't afford to
lose that kind of market share
- 130 pounds is a damn big hammer