Troll, Dan, Brad, and Lori collapse in a gasping, wheezing heap on the steps to IMPE. They lie there and groan for a while.
"My stitches have stitches," Dan says, in agony.
Brad says, "Y'know, if the slasher would promise to make it a quick, painless end, maybe I'd take him up on it -- as long as I didn't have to run to get there."
They lie there, on the unforgiving concrete, for an unknown length of time.
"Sure wish I had thought to bring a pillow," says BIG DAN BUDNEY.
Slowly, painfully, Troll starts dragging himself up the steps. The others stare at him, as if he is exerting some superhuman effort.
After 5 minutes of work, he makes it up to the next-to-last step. Sweat rolling down his face, he struggles to lift his head above the last level.
As soon as his eyes clear the step, they widen in shock. He quickly crouches down.
Lori says, "What is it?"
"Cops! Dozens of them!" Troll reports back.
Groaning, Dan says, "All that effort wasted! We coulda WALKED and still gotten here too late!"
With a growl, Lori starts crawling up the stairs. After a few long moments of thought, the others reluctantly follow.
There is indeed a crowd of Illicops clustered around the entrance to IMPE. Or rather, they are clustered around the portable Dunkin Donuts stand, which happens to be set up near the doors, doing a brisk business.
Lori approaches one cop, who is leaning on the railing around the sunken tennis court, busily wolfing down a gigantic apple fritter. She taps him on the shoulder, trying to get his attention. He startles, loses his footing on the spilled coffee, and plunges over the edge, to his messy death.
Lori stands there, looking foolish. Several Illicops cluster around her, arguing over whether or not the fritter can be saved.
Lori calls out, plaintively, "Wierd!"
Troll finally reaches the group, and pulls Lori out. She is still somewhat in shock. Troll explains it to her, "This is a slasher flick. You never get anything worthwhile from a cop in a slasher flick -- they die too quickly."
Brad lumbers up. A foolish Illicop (1 chocolate frosted, 1 toasted coconut) blunders into his path. Brad shoves him out of the way. The hapless officer impales himself on a ballpoint pen held by yet another of the U of I's finest (1 French Cruller, 2 Honeydew), and dies instantly. The other cop, still holding the pen, is so shocked he suffers a massive coronary, and collapses to the ground, writhing.
Troll says, "See?"
Joining the group, Dan says "You know, one would think that the police department would put a little more emphasis on recruiting somewhat more durable officers."
"Yeah, whatever," says Brad. "Let's go find out what happened to the sportos."
Over the course of the next few minutes, as Brad, Dan, Lori, and Troll make their way down to the wallyball courts, the U of I Police Force suffers heavy casualties. There are a few more impalings, several heart attacks, two complete nervous breakdowns, and one spontaneous combustion.
An entire squad of doughnut-munching officers plunge down the stairwell, breaking a wide variety of bones, and strewing pastry all over the place.
Indeed, the only real resistance comes when the Dunkin Donuts guys counter-attack, apparently believing that the Trolls Guild is trying to horn in on their franchise.
The battle is short and sharp. Finally, the Donut Guys retreat under heavy fire. As a diversion, they leave their stocks behind to cover their retreat.
Troll (6 Glazed, 5 Jelly, 1 Strawberry Frosted) says, "So where do you figure the sportos are?"
"Probably down there, where that guy is," says Brad (12 Maple, 10 Buttermilk, 8 Marble Frosted, 7 Black Raspberry, 4 Double Chocolate, 2 Bavarian Kreme, 2 Old Fashioned, and 1 Vanilla Long John).
They look down the hallway, and see a lone Illicop leaning against the wall, sipping a liter mug of coffee. The door he's standing next to is propped open.
Dan (1 bucket of munchkins) says, "Well, let's go."
Lori (3 Dunkin Donuts -- the ones with the silly handles) leads the way.
The guy at the door rouses himself to block the hallway. He loses his resolve when he catches sight of Brad's collection of used badges. He opts for the better part of valor, and dashes off down the corridor. Sadly, just as it seems that at least one Illicop will get out of this movie alive, he trips over his own feet and crashes headlong into the water fountain, breaking his neck.
Lori reaches the doorway first, but she doesn't look in. She stops and leans against the wall, where the cop had been, and says to the others, "You go and tell me what happened."
As Troll steps through the portal, a grim sight greets him.
The first thing he sees is Jim's body. Jim is hanging upside-down from the center of the net. He seems to have a volleyball stuffed in his mouth -- fully inflated.
Beyond him, the lower half of Dana's body can be seen, protruding from the back wall. Presumably, the rest of Dana is similarly dangling from the other side of the same wall.
There is a large, spread-eagled figure lying on the floor on the other side of the net, draped in a bloody sheet. The arms, legs, and torso seem to be intact, but the head is strangely concave.
Lieutenant Baffled, and Sergeant Incompetent, both members of the -- now drastically reduced -- University of Illinois Police Department, are in the room, making a nuisance of themselves.
They try to throw Troll out, until Brad walks in and turns Sergeant Incompetent into Pretzel Incompetent. Troll looks over at Brad and says, "I knew you had to be good for something, I could just never figure out what."
Dan steps in, and takes in the scene. He asks, "Any idea who did all this?"
Troll says, "Of course not. This is a slasher flick, nobody knows nothing until the very last scene."
Lt. Baffled, from his corner, pipes up, "But we DO know who did this!"
Troll, Dan, and Brad all say, "WHAT?!"
Baffled is clearly in his element now. He draws himself up to his full 5' 2" height, imperiously. "Yes! We of the UIPD are on the job! Using our vast deductive powers and the many carefully honed techniques available to our thoroughly modern investigations teams -- of which I happen to be a senior member -- we have ascertained the name of the killer, and will no doubt soon bring this grisly case to a satisfactory conclusion! Now, if you lousy civilians will kindly get the hell out of our way *ACK!*"
Brad delivers Baffled to Troll's feet.
"What?" asks Troll.
"Gggdggggmffgggg," Baffled replies. Troll looks at Brad, patiently.
Brad says, "Oops." He reluctantly releases his grip on Baffled's skinny neck. The Illicop drops to the floor like a paralyzed pigeon.
"You know who the killer is?" Troll asks again.
"Uhm, yes. Well, we know the killer's name."
"What, the slasher left a business card?"
"N-no, uhm, we found the name stamped on the big guy's face . . . what's left of it."
Troll thinks for a moment, still staring at the hapless Illicop. Baffled starts to sweat.
Troll says, "That name wouldn't happen to be TIOV, would it?"
Baffled is stunned. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?"
Troll sighs in disgust and walks out of the room. Dan follows him. After a few moments, and a whole lot of noise, Brad leaves last.
Troll says to Lori, "He went out with a volleyball in his ... hand."
Lori says, "Yeah, he would have wanted it that way."
They all turn down the corridor and head for the exit, taking care not to slip on the Illicops.